


first risk, first kiss

by royalgreen (allyoop)



Series: Clock Hands [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Feel-good, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Romantic Fluff, Short & Sweet, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24148384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen
Summary: Magic Caleb knew. Feelings…. he was out of practice.(Feelings realization / first kiss ficlet. Warning: absolutely will make you feel all warm and fuzzy.)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: Clock Hands [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768333
Comments: 24
Kudos: 301





	first risk, first kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Canon divergence; if you don't know Nott's secret yet (episode 49) you may be mildly spoiled, otherwise it's pretty spoiler free!

Caleb was familiar with calculated risks. Every flash that led to a fireball, or leap of faith with The Mighty Nein was always prefaced with weighing the costs. There were no rewards without risks, he knew this deeply, yet his current situation had him twisting and tossing pros and cons for weeks.

Magic he knew.  _ Feelings _ …. he was out of practice.

  
  


Essek had led them both down from his arcane laboratory and to the front door, about to bid him the usual goodnight ( _ it was really 4 in the morning, _ Caleb knew _ , even though it was perpetually dark outside _ ). It was day three or four into their research, so maddeningly close to the solution for Nott’s body problem. Caleb had wanted to keep pushing forward but conceded to Essek’s logic that they both needed sleep to rest their minds.

They were now mere feet from the door, and Caleb might have been a little delirious to make this choice, his tired mind providing him more pros than cons in the moment. But he also knew he had been struggling more and more to hide certain thoughts as he worked closely beside Essek all week  _ (and he had felt it spark before, during their lessons and conversations, feelings at the time he had shoved down and ignored _ ).

He reached out and caught Essek’s jaw gently in his hand, turning him back towards Caleb before he could open the door.

They faced each other for a long moment, Caleb not pulling him closer, Essek not moving away.

Essek didn’t look surprised by the sudden touch, but his eyebrows furrowed together a little. 

Caleb just waited. He had taken the first leap; he would wait for the right sign to take the next.

“We’re not interested in the same things.” Essek broke the silence.

“I disagree, we pursue so many similar things. Books, knowledge, magic...”

Essek sighed. “Humans want mates.” He shook his head slightly when he saw the look on Caleb’s face, and corrected himself. “You want partners. To start families. To pass on a last name, not a soul, when you die.”

“I don’t want that.”

“Perhaps.” He looked slightly disbelieving. “But you are still human.”

Another silence followed. Caleb shifted his hand slightly, brushing his thumb along Essek’s cheekbone in a slow trace. He still hadn’t moved away.

“Don’t presume to know what I want.” Caleb’s voice was just a whisper and Essek was forced to step closer to hear.

“I could say the same to you.” His eyes were burning into Caleb’s, his focus unwavering. 

“You said you were lonely, once.”

“And I have friends now.”

“I know loneliness intimately. Friends placate it but they don’t vanish it completely from the heart.”

Essek raised an eyebrow at his words. “You experience life with such intensity.”

Caleb half smiled. “I am human.” Another pause. “Don’t you ever want more?”

Essek hardly seemed to blink, his face carefully blank. “No.” ( _ It was a lie.) _

“You don’t want someone who really understands you,  _ sees _ you?” Caleb could feel the precipice of a choice before him, he waited, he waited…

“I’m not that coldhearted.” Essek glanced down away from Caleb, unable to keep their eye contact. “All creatures seek connections. There’s strength in a partnership.”

“There’s warmth as well.”

“Yes, there is.” Essek met Caleb’s eyes again, his expression no longer so composed. 

“Don’t you want that?”  _ (Caleb left the last question unspoken. “With me?” was implied. Essek could read between his words, surely he could tell...) _

The moment stretched impossibly forward as they both stubbornly waited on the other to move first, the only sound in the silence was their quickened breaths while neither answered. It was a chess game too evenly matched and too easily broken.

Minutes passed...then finally Essek relaxed against Caleb’s hand, his eyes closing, and Caleb surged forward into that last step.

It was the softest press of lips, a whisper of touch. It was probably boring and chaste by the other Mighty Nein’s standards, but Caleb felt  _ awake. _ His body tingled with the same edge he felt every time he crushed components in his palms before igniting a spell. 

He moved his hand to cup behind Essek’s neck, angling him ever so forward, deepening the kiss. Caleb could feel hands ghost up his sides and back down again, like Essek was unsure of where to rest, before settling his hands near Caleb’s waist. Their lips broke apart, only to gently explore the side of a jaw, the edge of a cheek, before being drawn back together again.

Caleb had analyzed every conversation and reciprocation, had weighed and hoped, and the risk had seemed so very worth the potential reward. But he hadn’t expected Essek’s actual enthusiasm. He kissed like it had been a decade since his last  _ (and maybe it has been for both of us,  _ Caleb thought), like he was determined to memorize every soft angle of Caleb’s face and every small movement of his lips, to cement it in memory to last another decade. 

Caleb moved with near-forgotten muscle memory, pressing his hand to the small of Essek’s back, closing those last few inches to press their bodies fully together. The longer they stayed like this, each slow kiss melting into another, it felt more and more similar to staring into the beacon. The moment sparkling infinite, threads of possibility splayed out like constellations, his whole body drawn further towards and into Essek.

Essek broke off suddenly, taking a long deep breath, forehead still gently touching Caleb’s even as their lips stayed apart. “You taste like… magic. Like fire.” There was a hint of bewilderment in his voice.

Caleb quietly laughed. “And you taste like  _ dunamis _ . Have you kissed a mage before?”

Essek shook his head. “Have you? Is this expected?”

“I….” Caleb trailed off a little, eyebrows furrowed. “It’s been too long, I don’t remember. And I think I would remember kissing magic like this .”

“Hmm.” Essek leaned back in, lips brushing against Caleb’s. “Curious. Like all worthy unknowns, we may need to explore and experiment further.”

That fire sparked again in Caleb, and he reached to pull Essek back in, but he had stepped away out of his grasp.

“It’s late.”

“It’s early.” Caleb corrected.

Essek sighed  _ (fondly, Caleb could hear it with certainty now _ ) and took Caleb’s hand. “You need to sleep. Even  _ I _ need to sleep.” He pulled him gently towards the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Caleb tried to keep the question out of his voice, but still it lingered.

Essek smiled, a rare bright one Caleb had only seen a few times before. “Yes, tomorrow. We still have work to do, things to discover.”

“For Nott’s problem.”

“And other experiments.”

Caleb smiled back at that. “Sleep well, Essek.”

“Goodnight, Caleb.”

He walked briskly through the lawn of Essek’s estate, not turning back until he was just outside the gate. He saw the familiar outline of Essek leaning against his door frame, watching. Caleb could just convince himself he still saw that bright smile even at this distance.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated.
> 
> I have a few more ideas bouncing in my head for a follow up to this ficlet, so let me know if you'd like to see more!
> 
> Edit: thanks for your encouraging comments! I have written a sequel to this story; I have grouped it with this one as a series.
> 
> Feel free to come bother me/chat on [tumblr](https://caleb-says-nein.tumblr.com/)
> 
> You can also find me crying about wizards on my tumblr: royalgreen-writes


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